Not really an orphan

Seven years ago I got a phone call shortly after I woke up informing me that my father had woken up in heaven that morning. I had known it was coming for a long time. Neither of my parents were healthy people. They both suffered from chronic illnesses: dad had diabetes, mom had lupus. We knew they wouldn't live forever but I was surprised when mom went first, passing over 5 years before he did. Dad had always been the sicker of the two in my mind. At least he spent more time in the hospital over the years and I definitely got more "I think this is the end," "please pray," or "you should come" calls about him. When I'd get there he'd be sitting up joking with the nurses over how he'd been an RN longer than they had been (he had no nursing degree but he had had the initials RN for his whole life). I like to say that he had way more lives than a cat.

That morning I posted on my facebook that I am "an orphan." It was hard to believe he was actually gone this time. The end had come, but really it was just the beginning for him of his new life forever, praising in the presence of his Savior and Lord Jesus Christ.

As I was remembering that day this morning these words starting running through my mind:

Standing on this mountaintop,
seeing just how far we've come,
knowing that for every step
You were with us...

Scars and struggles on the way
but with hope our hearts can say
yes, our hearts can say:

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful (from Never Once by Matt Redman)

Looking back I am amazed at how far we've come. God has been so faithful. I have been "carried by His constant grace and held within His perfect love." I never would have asked to lose both of my parents before I turned 30 but if I hadn't lost them I would not have had this opportunity to see God's glorious, gracious, generous hand and feel His comfort. Dad would have been 65 on this past Saturday but I often wonder if 5/30 or 6/3 is his birthday in heaven or if it's that date when he was 8 when he asked Jesus to forgive him of his sins and be his Savior and Lord. I miss both of my parents so much. They were far from perfect but they were great parents and I am so glad I was able to have them for all of my growing up years in their home and even the first few of my adult ones.

I was looking for a verse about how God is a father to the fatherless (I knew there are verses about that somewhere, probably in the Psalms) and I came across this verse in Deuteronomy 1:31 "And you saw how the Lord your God cared for you all along the way as you traveled through the wilderness, just as a father cares for his child. Now he has brought you to this place.’" I smiled as I thought about how He has cared for us all along the way as we have traveled through the "wilderness" of medical school and residency as a father cares for his child and has brought us to this place where we are now. He has been so faithful. 

As I read the context of that verse I saw that Moses was reminding the Israelites about what God had done for them and how, even though He had cared for them and guided them so faithfully, they refused to trust Him and, as a result, were denied the blessing of entering the promised land. I don't want that to be the story of my life. I want to tell of His goodness and faithfulness, His grace and mercy and I want to always trust Him in the big things and the little things in my life and to obey Him.

God is good. All the time. I am thankful that He cares for this mother-less and father-less one. I am not really an orphan, I am a child of the King of kings and I will never walk alone.

Thanks Mom and Dad

Yesterday I went to part of a Women of Faith conference via simulcast at a local church. I didn't know anyone there so during lunch I had the opportunity to meet a lady who told me about her family. She told me of the heart ache that she has for her daughter that is far from Christ and she blames herself because they never had a good relationship, they were "like oil and water."

Though I know that that woman was not the reason her daughter is not walking with Christ, I do know that we, as parents, do have a large impact on our children's lives. That conversation made me think about my parents and the impact that they had on my life. Today is mom's birthday (she would have been 61 today) and tomorrow would have been mom and dad's 37th anniversary so I just wanted to take a minute to say "Thanks Mom and Dad" for the impact that they had on me.

A couple of weeks ago while doing my devotions I came across this paragraph in one of them:

Pharaoh ordered that every male born to the Hebrews be thrown in the Nile. Moses was born during this time and, after three months, his mother realized she could hide him no longer. Imagine her angst as she left him in the basket among the reeds in the Nile River! She did not know what the future held, but she released her son by her faith in God."

As I read that it made me stop and thank God for my parents. You see, those risks that I took early in my life I was only able to take because my parents had a great faith in our great God. They trusted Him and entrusted me to His care. I can remember them often telling me that "the best place for you to be is in the center of God's will for your life."

Looking back lately I have wondered what they were thinking at various points in my life when they just had to entrust me to God. (I would love to hear if you were ever privy to any of their thoughts when I was working towards any of my "risky" plans and ideas.) I am so grateful that they did not hold me back when I told them of what I felt God would have me to do. I am thankful that they never communicated to me the fear that I am sure they had in their hearts. I am thankful that they gave me their blessing even when they didn't understand what I was doing or why I was doing it.


I can think of one time that mom expressed her fear to me. It was when we were making plans to go to Bangladesh when Caleb was a newborn. She asked me a couple of times, "Sonja, are you sure you and Caleb couldn't come and stay with us while Glenn goes?" I think that she was more afraid for her grandbaby that couldn't get travel immunizations than for me. Ultimately she turned us over to God and entrusted us to Him which she proved by allowing us to buy plane tickets with their credit card because we didn't have enough financial support to buy them quite yet. Little did she know that she would be in the cardiac ICU fighting for her life when we went to Bangladesh and that leaving her would take more faith than I would have ever dreamed.

I know that my dad feared for us as well. When we were applying to medical he often expressed his concern as to how we were going to survive financially when Glenn couldn't work for 4 years. At that time I had the chance to remind him of of how God has provided for us in the past and remind him that God would provide for us in the future. Little did dad know much his end of life financial decisions would help us in that arena.

Thank You, God, for my parents' faith in You. Thank You that they allowed me to make mistakes and to take steps of faith when I am not sure I would have, looking at things through these parent eyes. Please help me to entrust these kids of mine to You and release them by faith like Moses' parents and mine for whatever You have in store for them. From all You've brought us through they already have such a great faith in You and what You can do. May I never be a stumbling block to them but always be an instrument that continually points them to You. 

Dad got it right

When I was growing up I would often get frustrated with my dad. When we would go to church or be out somewhere and people would ask my dad how he was doing his response was usually, "Almost excellent" with a big grin on his face. In my head I would get so mad at him thinking, "That is not true. You are not doing well. Why are you lying to these people??" My dad was a non-compliant diabetic that was always suffering with some kind of physical ailment (like crazy blood sugars, huge ulcers on his feet, amputated toes, etc) and I felt that by saying "almost excellent" he was trying to deceive people.

Today I read an email that made me realize that he just had a different perspective of reality than I did. The email talked about 3 actions to help you change your attitude:
1. Shift your focus
2. Change your posture
3. Watch your language

Dad's focus wasn't on the fact that he was sick or hurting. He was surrounded by people which is where he loved to be and his focus was on the moment, not on his struggles. He had a huge smile on his face and he was using words that made his reality true. He's been gone for nearly 4 years but I am so thankful for the lesson that he taught me by example today.

During DEAR time today I re-read another chapter from Calm My Anxious Heart. (note: I just noticed when I put that link in that it is only $5 right now at CBD. If you don't own it BUY IT!) I'm reading it on my kindle app this time (it was free a while back) though the actual book version is one of the few books that didn't get packed when we packed all of our books because it is one that I have always had out and near since I first read it with my beloved Tuesday morning Bible Study back in 2007 at the Waterloo Rec. It is a book that I return to time and time again because I constantly need the reminders that are underlined all over it. I am reading it again because I need it again. I need to be reminded that God is "the Blessed Controller of all things" and to keep my focus on Him. Today as I re-read chapter 2 I was reminded once again that "Our thought life - not our circumstances - determines whether we are content." Seems like a theme that God is trying to teach me today.

And "How does God enable us to be content? He infuses contentment into us through His Word. [another theme He seems to be impressing on me.] As it seeps into our minds, it transforms us. Just as a cup of tea gets stronger when we give it time to steep, so we become more content when we spend time in God's Word and allow it to seep into our lives, transforming us to be like Him."

This week I have been reading Psalm 27 in my Psalm study. David has such confidence in God. He doesn't need to fear because God is his light, his salvation, his defense. He chooses to seek and praise God though his enemies abound. He chooses to wait on God. I love verses 13-14 "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord."  After reading them I wrote out a prayer: "Lord, this reminds me of One Thousand Gifts. It is so easy for me to give over to despair when my eyes are on my circumstances but You long for me to open my eyes to the blessings that You give that surround me day after day after day. Moment by moment blessings. Give thanks. You have made so evident Your goodness in 'the land of the living.' How much more will You in the real life hereafter. As I long for that day may I be constantly aware of Your blessings today!" Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord.

Lord, thank You for the lessons that you are teaching me. I am sorry that I am so forgetful and must be taught again and again and again. Thank You for Your patience with me. Thank You for the example that You gave me in my parents. They both had so many struggles, physical and otherwise, but they rarely let them affect their attitude. Please help me to spend time steeping in Your Word so that I can shift my focus, change my posture and use language that will bring glory to You.

It's a New Day

God has been working in my heart and my life. As I started Thessalonians this morning God reminded me that He has given me so much grace. God's Riches At Christ's Expense. Everything that we have is from Him and He is so good. I was also reminded that peace will only come from Him. I can't do it on my own but He is so faithful.

We haven't done our kids devotional that we usually read after breakfast and before school in a while but I got it down today. The story was about a boy who shot and killed himself because people made fun of him because he had a long nose and he thought he would never get a wife as a result. The passage was from Philippians 1:20-26. Which talks about Paul's struggle with his desire to die to be with Christ but it being more necessary for him to live because that would mean fruitful labor for Him. We talked about Grandpa Roger and how he had wanted to die for a long time - both b/c he wanted to be with Christ and b/c he was tired of his body that didn't work anymore and for the last 5 years b/c mom was already there. I had talked about this passage with Dad several times over the years. I know that God had a reason for keeping him alive. We talked about how dad was always passing out Gideon New Testaments and how just a few days before he died he was at the Memorial Day parade in town giving them out to people. God may have wanted him to live that long so that someone at the parade could get one of those NTs and come to know Christ as a result. It may have been God's will for dad to die how he did so that He could get His Word into the hands of the emergency personnel that had responded to the call. How I long for the cry of my heart to be "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." God reminded me this morning of how important it is that to go on living in the flesh means fruitful labor for me. That hasn't been my focus. I have been so depressed and overwhelmed lately that I haven't been focused on really living. "Only one life, twill soon be past, only what's done for Christ will last." Oh Lord, please help me to have joy that overflows that only comes from you and not to focus on my circumstances but to focus on being faithful today with the tasks you set before me.

Caleb mentioned this song that we sing at North and that it reminds him of Grandpa Roger at the end of devotions this morning. We looked up the lyrics online and sang it with the Vertical Worship CD. I love this song too.

In Christ Alone

In Christ alone, my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this Solid Ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love! What depths of peace!
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All-in-All,
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious day
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His, and He is mine,
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand!

Anniversary... Packing... Tears

There were tears this morning as I wrote the date. Today would have been my parents 32nd wedding anniversary. I know that there is no marriage in heaven so I doubt it would be recognized by anyone but us down here. At least my dad doesn't have to go through another June 25th here without her. Yesterday my mom would have been 57. I miss them so much but I am so thankful that they don't have to deal with the physical problems that they were both having down here. It does make me homesick for heaven even more so though. One thing that makes June 24th bearable for me is that it is also Glenn's mom's birthday so at least I get to wish someone "Happy birthday." (she's not nearly as old as my mom would have been though :) - I love you mom - thanks for being such a great one - it was good talking to you yesterday morning - I wish you weren't so far away!)

Yesterday I finally really started packing. There were some tears b/c I am not sure when I will see this stuff again. (God is also showing me that I am too attached to my stuff!) I went through my kitchen and only packed things that I definitely want to keep and I am certain that I won't be taking with me to Dominica. It only amounted to 3 boxes so far. It was hard b/c there were small spots that usually when packing I throw dry goods into but I am not storing dry goods for 3 months - 4 years... Oh, the unknown. God is working in my heart. He is making me more OK with the idea of moving to Dominica everyday. He has shown me that I can trust Him... He will work out the details in His time and provide everything that I need when I need it. Today a friend is coming over to help me attack the kids room and Glenn is going to take the kids somewhere. Hopefully there will be good reports at the end of the day.

I have been crying a lot lately... sometimes for real reasons and sometimes I just don't know why. I have been reading through the Psalms and boy have they been a comfort. It has made me realize that: (1) it is OK to be in despair and (2) that my God is faithful and He will help me through and (3) that God is so worthy to be praised - He has done so many great things for me.

Press On

Wow... it has been a long week. One week ago right now I got a call from my aunt AmyJo sharing with me the news of dad's passing on to glory and we started letting the kids know and getting them ready to head to Waterloo. It was a good week, hard but good. It was good to see old friends and relatives I hadn't seen in a while and meet other people whom I had never met who's lives my dad's life had had an impact on. It was amazing to me the number of people who came up to me that said that they hadn't really seen or talked to my dad in years but in the last two weeks of his life they saw him at church, or at the parade, or at dialysis or somewhere out and about and had a brief conversation with him that had impacted them. I'm glad that he was so 'healthy' during his last two weeks of life. It was also good to have a few good conversations with my dad's widow. I'm sorry she never really knew my dad because he was so sick for all of their relationship. It was also good to see my half sisters from Texas. They are so precious to me. Also, besides my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins who were such a blessing, my Seneca Community Church family was also. All the emails and wall posts, especially the prayers. I ache but I know that I made it through this week because of the prayers of those who love me.

But still... I struggle. Now that it is 'all over,' now what? Before heading to church on Sunday I was really needing help from the Lord and He gave me Psalm 46. I think that Glenn read it at mom's funeral 5 years ago. It was one of her favorites:
1 God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, Even though the earth be removed, And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;
3 Though its waters roar and be troubled,Though the mountains shake with its swelling. Selah
4 There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God, The holy place of the tabernacle of the Most High.
5 God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved; God shall help her, just at the break of dawn.
6 The nations raged, the kingdoms were moved; He uttered His voice, the earth melted.
7 The LORD of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah
8 Come, behold the works of the LORD, Who has made desolations in the earth.
9 He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two; He burns the chariot in the fire.
10 Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!
11 The LORD of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah

God is my refuge, the place I can run to and be safe, and He is my strength. He has been faithful and He will remain. I have slept through the night the last couple of nights which has been good. Yesterday morning after reading my Bible I was still struggling so I got out a hymn book. Singing through a hymn book is always faith bolstering to me. So many songs, reminding me of God's faithfulness, His provision, His comfort, His love. I'm struggling, not just with losing my dad but the uncertainty of things like, where we'll be living in 50 days when our lease is up and what we'll be doing in the fall and things like that. One song that God really used in my heart yesterday morning was "I'd Rather Have Jesus." God really asked me, "Would you?" "Would you rather have Jesus than anything 'this world affords today?'" As I was sharing it with Glenn we came up with a new version of the first verse of the song, "I'd rather have Jesus than acceptance to U of R; I'd rather have Jesus than a new car; I'd rather have Jesus than houses or lands; I'd rather be lead by His nail-pierced hands." He truly is "all that my hungering spirit needs" and I can trust Him and let Him lead.

We took Kendra to the train station last night for her to head back home. It was nice to have my sisters-in-law visit but I am looking forward to getting back into some kind of a routine. I'm overwhelmed with our apartment which is a mess and the idea of packing again not knowing where we are going. God knows though and He only asks me to be faithful today... so today I will find my house and start packing relying on His strength and help to get me through. A song that Sue Schrader and Brenda Eastman sang at both of my parents' memorial services is "Press On" by Selah. This song always made my dad cry. God is using this song to help me today so I needed to look at the lyrics once again:

When the valley is deep
When the mountain is steep
When the body is weary
When we stumble and fall

When the choices are hard
When we're battered and scarred
When we've spent our resources
When we've given our all

Chorus:
In Jesus' name, we press on
In Jesus' name, we press on
Dear Lord, with the prize
Clear before our eyes
We find the strength to press on

I'm keeping my eyes on the prize, with His strength and in His name I press on.

Dancing on Two Good Legs

My daddy went home to be with Jesus yesterday morning. I have known for a long time that the day would come but wasn't really expecting it yesterday. I got up at 5:30 to spend time with God, have my cup of coffee and start my day. Glenn couldn't sleep so he was up at about 6:30 and we chatted about the many things that should be accomplished during the two days he had off this week. Going to Waterloo was not in the plans but that changed when I got a call from my Aunt AmyJo at about 7:15. Over the years I have gotten many calls from AmyJo and even before that from my mom about my dad. "He's back in the hospital," "His sugar is out of control again," "He's got an infection and they can't get his temperature down," "He has to have another surgery to remove a toe, a section of his foot, part of his leg, move his dialysis site...", all issues stemming from the complications of being a non-compliant diabetic for 30+ years. A few times the call has been "Sonja, I really think this is the time, you should come." So we would wake the kids up or carry them to the car and drive to see my dad in the ICU but he had more lives than a cat and in a few days, weeks or months he would bounce back. Just this weekend as I was talking to him he said he felt stronger and was able to exercise more and had a better appetite. Yesterday morning Teena went in to check on him and he wasn't responsive so she went down the hill to ask dad's brother Paul for help. When my 18 year old cousin Zach who is a volunteer firefighter and taking his EMT class got there he felt for a pulse and dad was still warm but there was no pulse. There was blood everywhere. What we guess happened was that he was itching at his dialysis site and somehow caused himself to start bleeding and he bled to death in his sleep. My uncle was there holding him as he passed on to glory with just about every emergency personnel from the area in his bedroom. He has been longing just to "go home" for ever so long. He was so tired of his body not working and the shots and the pills, the blood sugar and blood pressure checks and constant doctors appointments. Can you imagine going to sleep one night in pain with lots of medicine in your system with only one leg with hardly the strength to stand or walk and waking up in glory?? My daddy is dancing on two good legs. He's seen our Savior whom he loved so much face to face. He's been reacquainted with mom and so many others who have gone before trusting in Jesus and met so many of his heroes from the Bible.

I mourn but not as one with no hope. I know without a doubt that I will see my daddy again in heaven because I am trusting in Jesus Christ who paid the price for my sins just like he did. This morning as I read my Bible the verse I was on was talking about being obedient to your parents. I asked God, how can I be obedient to my parents when they aren't here? I was challenged to follow their godly example and seek to do the things that would have pleased them but ultimately to obey my Daddy in heaven. Yesterday morning I decided that I was an orphan but really, I'm not. I am a princess, a daughter of the King of kings and Lord or lords. My earthly daddy was flawed in many ways but my Heavenly Daddy loves me perfectly and will never leave me or forsake me.

I have to share my favorite story from yesterday. Every emergency response vehicle from the area was in my dad's driveway and many family members were there. After it was confirmed that my dad was dead the emergency workers were walking out of the house and trying to offer condolences to my grandparents and what did they see? How I wish I could have been there - My grandpa, a big white haired man in his eighties, with a huge grin on his face was passing them a New Testament thanking them for everything that they had done over the years. I think that they were a little surprised. That is not the normal response from someone who has just lost his son. My grandpa saw it as an awesome opportunity to get God's Word into their hands. Many of them would have definitely refused a copy of God's Word at any other time but how do you say no to a man who just lost his son? I am standing on Isa55:11 "So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it." That is how my daddy would have wanted it. He was just reprimanding my grandpa the other day for not taking New Testaments with him when he went to the replica of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial recently. With all those people mourning they need the hope that can only be found in God's Word so my grandpa is contacting Gideons in cities where it will be set up so that they can be there, ready with God's Word to help hurting people. My dad's legacy lives on.