A day that lives in infamy

There are many dates that live in infamy. Pearl Harbor, September 11th and others are dates that stand out in the memories of those who were alive at the time. Dates of horror. Dates of tragedy. Dates when everything changed.

For me a date that lives in infamy is May 23, 2001. 16 years ago today.

On that day my mom went in for a heart catheterization.  She had had a few mild heart attacks the weekend before and they needed to address the issues. My mom had had lupus and had been on prednisone for over 25 years and I don't know that the heart surgeon had noticed that when looking at her history or maybe he knew but decided to still risk the procedure despite her brittle blood vessels. The stint went through her blood vessel and they lost her for 10 minutes and worked on her for 30 minutes to bring her back. Not long afterwards she had a stroke and she spent the next several weeks in and out of ICUs before being stable enough to be transferred to a nursing home where she spent the rest of her life.

I came across some pictures the other day, pictures of that season, that season I don't like to remember.

I love remembering my mom like this:

It's hard to see pictures like this, when she first got transferred to the senior living facility in August.

 One thing I love about this picture though is seeing my dad read to my mom. I don't know that he ever read aloud to her before this season unless it was something he found interesting from the newspaper and I don't know if they had regular time in the Bible together before then but I know that time in God's Word was important to mom before May 23, her Bible had the Daily Bread in it opened to May 23th so I know that she read it before going to the hospital that fateful morning. Dad made it a priority to read God's Word to her since she could no longer read it for herself. It was so neat to watch my dad care for my mom and read to her from God's Word every day. He was an amazing, faithful caregiver. That's something I didn't really appreciate or realize at the time, young as I was.

We were hoping that mom would be able to someday to come home. We put our lives and plans on hold and moved from TN to NY to help out my dad, knowing that he wouldn't be able to do it on his own. The picture above is from a chance we got to bring mom home for an outing. It appears our cat made itself at home in her lap and she looks to be enjoying listening to Russ as we talked to him while he was off at college. [Do you remember being able to talk on 3 different phones in the same conversation??] She had lots of speech therapy and I know that at one point my aunt got her to say "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" but after May 23 she could never really communicate with words. I now wonder how that made her feel, as a teacher and public speaker.

After a while dad bought a wheelchair van and she got a bit better so he was able to take her on outings more often. This picture is from Thanksgiving when we got to take her to our family gathering at my grandparents' house.

My mom loved being a grandma and, though I prefer the pictures of her from the times she snuck down to TN to snuggle that Caleb...

 Or the time we made it to NY for Thanksgiving and to show off our boy...

 Most of the time she spent with Caleb was while she was in a hospital bed on Sunday afternoons after church when we would go and spend the afternoon with her for all those months that she was in the nursing home. I used to hate these pictures because I don't want to remember mom that way but as I came across them I realize that I am so glad I have these pictures of my parents enjoying Caleb during a visit.

They loved to watch him toddling around her room, playing with the hospital curtains and "helping" to push her wheelchair. Once a month dad's cousin and her husband and a few of their friends would come with a guitar and sing some songs to mom, and mom and dad really enjoyed watching Caleb dance to the music. How I wish I would have gone and visited her more...

 The summer of 2002 we were able to bring her to my grandparent's backyard a few times for picnics and, even though she couldn't eat (she could never pass a swallow test), she enjoyed watching people, especially Caleb splashing in the pool.

We even got to have a joint birthday party together since our birthdays are only 5 days apart.

I may or may not have snuck her a taste of that whipped cream.

I wish I could find a copy of the picture from October when we had Hannah's baby dedication at church. Glenn's mom and grandma had come out for a wedding so Caleb had 5 grandmas at church that day and he just kept turning around and saying, "Grandma? Grandma? Grandma? Grandma? Grandma?" There's a picture of mom "holding" baby Hannah that I may stick in here someday if I find it.

I used to hate these pictures because they were so painful but, looking at them today, I am so thankful that I have them and I'm putting them here because I want a record of this season. Yes, it was an incredibly painful season of my life for so many reasons and I have so many regrets from that season and it still hurts to see mom all curled up like that remembering her limitations and I miss my parents terribly but God has taught me so much both during that season and since, as a result of it.

Though I sure miss and long for wisdom from this lady that visited us for Easter not too long before...

I'm glad I had the chance to live nearby and have time with this version of her for about 19 months.

I'm also thankful that God was merciful and took her home in His perfect timing so she no longer has that old, broken, deteriorating body. What I wouldn't give to have a conversation with her, to glean some of her wisdom, but, instead, I get something better - I get to go directly to the One who was the source of all of her wisdom, the Savior that she loved so much.

Yes, May 23 is a day that lives in infamy for me but He is good and does good and I can trust that He knows best, even in giving us infamous days, because He uses them for His glory and our good and I am grateful.

It's February 7th again...

All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4 MSG)

This verse was the verse of the day on Youversion today. I think God put it there just for me. It's an appropriate reminder for me for February 7th, I think.

I am often in a low spot emotionally this time of the year. I don't know if its the lack of sunshine and time outside or the fact that this time of the year has many dates that are on the calendar of my past that I wish weren't.

My mom passed into eternity 11 years ago today after living her last 20 months in various healthcare facilities. 11 years. It hardly seems possible!

I have learned many things over the past 11 years and I'm not sure how I would have done it without God.

* Just like it says He is the God of all comfort. So many times He has orchestrated circumstances or sent people my way to comfort me, to walk beside me. God's Word, especially the Psalms and Habakkuk, and various songs have been a huge comfort to me as well as He brought them into my life at just the right time. He is so good. He is so faithful. He loves me and knows best.

* Just like it says God has brought others into my life and allowed me to walk with them and be a comfort to them just as He has provided comfort to me. I have an idea of what it feels like to lose a parent. I've lost two. Because I have been allowed the opportunity to suffer I can empathize with others who are going through suffering.  For that I am very grateful. If I had never felt pain I would never be able to walk through pain with others.

I can't believe it has been 11 years. Sometimes I see bits of her in myself, in my kids. I wish they could have known her. I miss her. I am grateful though for all that God has taught me and how He has used me because, in His sovereignty, He knew it would be best to take her home when He did. Most of all I am grateful for the God of all comfort that walks with me and has comforted me and strengthened me though every day.

10 Years...

Tonight, as I wrote the date down for "thank Yous," I was struck by the thought, "It's February 7." My mom's favorite number was 7 so my dad said that is why she held on until the wee hours of the 7th of February to pass from this life to the next.

10 years? Can it really be that long?? As I wrote the date a tear trickled down my cheek. A decade in glory with our Savior? I'm jealous, Mom. My dear mother-in-love came over and gave me a hug. Lydia asked me, "Momma, what's wrong?" "Nothing is wrong, sweetheart, it's just February 7th." Abigail sat on my lap and asked me, "How old was Lydia when Grandma died, mommy?" "Lydia wasn't born yet, honey. I wasn't even pregnant for her."

10 years is a long time. I've had 2 more babies. I've moved more times than I really feel like counting (probably 15 but I'm not going to take the time to count right now). I've walked with my husband as he's gone through 2 more years of college, years of waiting, and almost 4 years of medical school. We've been abundantly blessed and had many difficult challenges that I would have loved to have my mom to talk to about but that wasn't God's plan and He is good and has proven Himself faithful. He loves to listen to me.

Over these 10 years I've also had many friends lose their moms. I've been able to identify in some small way and pray for them like I never would have had I not lost mine first. For the privilege of sharing and walking with them in their sufferings I am grateful.

Today we are down to 36 days in our countdown to The Match, when we find out where we will land next. Reading Psalm 36 always reminds me of my mom playing the guitar. I wish I could find the '70s or early '80s worship song that she would sing with her guitar based on verses 5-9 but Third Day wrote a song on those verses too and so google is no help to me tonight. Instead I'll just post the verses and change the words slightly in my head as I listen in my memory to her sing along.

Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens,
    your faithfulness to the skies.
Your righteousness is like the highest mountains,
    your justice like the great deep.
    You, Lord, preserve both people and animals. 
 How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!
    People take refuge in the shadow of your wings. 
 They feast on the abundance of your house;
    you give them drink from your river of delights. 
 For with you is the fountain of life;
    in your light we see light. Psalm 36:5-9

 I'm so thankful for His love, for His faithfulness, for His righteousness, for His justice. I'm thankful that I can take refuge in the shelter of His wings and for the abundance that He always supplies us with. I'm thankful that God gave me my mom for as long as He did and for the great memories and heritage that He has given me from her. I have chosen to look through the lens of God's goodness and He has always proven Himself to be good.

Happy 10 years with Jesus, Mom! I rejoice with you.

Thanks, God, for being there for me through these ten years and for how You have used my pain for Your glory. I love You. Please help me to steward this gift You have entrusted to me for Your glory.

Sandy...

Sandy. I keep hearing that name. I keep seeing that name. It's all over the news. It's not a scary name. I am reminded of that part my kids love in Monsters Vs Aliens when Bob asks what people yell when they see Susan and she says, "Susan." Then Bob says, "Suuuuusan. AH! I just scared myself."  Sandy's not all that scary of a name but at this point it is causing dread in many a heart. Causing many to go and clear the grocery stores of milk, bread, and toilet paper. Causing many to make sure they have their "72 hour survival kit" ready. "Hurricane Sandy Coming to Batter the East Coast - Be Prepared!"

Whenever I hear and see the name though my mind goes back to a special Sandy - my mom. I don't know that her name caused many people fear. I think that many, kids and parents alike, rejoiced when they heard that Sandy (AKA Mrs. Nelson) was going to be their teacher. Many looked forward to spending time with her and having the opportunity to learn from her be it at school, in Sunday School, Jet Cadets, or Sparks, or at various Gideon functions that she spoke at. She was a woman of wisdom and she loved people. I'm so thankful that I had the privilege of spending as much time with her as I did.

Hearing her name all the time lately has prompted me to think of her more. I've laughed with God as I have thought more than once, "Sandy isn't in the Atlantic getting ready to destroy the East Coast. She is in heaven praising Jesus!"

 This afternoon I dug the program from her funeral out from the back of my Bible. Looking over the words of some of her favorite songs reminded me once again of her love for her Savior, "Joyful, Joyful We Adore Thee," "Living for Jesus a Life that is True," "My Hope is in the Lord," and "Christ in me is to Live, to Die is to Gain." These songs characterized her life. She had many challenges in her life but her hope was in Jesus and she had joy because her eyes were on Him.

At her funeral Glenn got to read Psalm 46, one of her favorites. I think that it is appropriate to read at this time with this hurricane bearing her name coming closer:

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging [or a hurricane causes destruction, flooding and power outages].

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Come and see what the Lord has done, the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the shields with fire.
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Thanks, God, for this reminder that, no matter what difficult things may come my way, You are my Refuge and Strength.  Thank You that I don't have to fear because You are in control and You are with me.

Taste and see that the Lord is good;  

blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. Psalm 34:8

Thanks Mom and Dad

Yesterday I went to part of a Women of Faith conference via simulcast at a local church. I didn't know anyone there so during lunch I had the opportunity to meet a lady who told me about her family. She told me of the heart ache that she has for her daughter that is far from Christ and she blames herself because they never had a good relationship, they were "like oil and water."

Though I know that that woman was not the reason her daughter is not walking with Christ, I do know that we, as parents, do have a large impact on our children's lives. That conversation made me think about my parents and the impact that they had on my life. Today is mom's birthday (she would have been 61 today) and tomorrow would have been mom and dad's 37th anniversary so I just wanted to take a minute to say "Thanks Mom and Dad" for the impact that they had on me.

A couple of weeks ago while doing my devotions I came across this paragraph in one of them:

Pharaoh ordered that every male born to the Hebrews be thrown in the Nile. Moses was born during this time and, after three months, his mother realized she could hide him no longer. Imagine her angst as she left him in the basket among the reeds in the Nile River! She did not know what the future held, but she released her son by her faith in God."

As I read that it made me stop and thank God for my parents. You see, those risks that I took early in my life I was only able to take because my parents had a great faith in our great God. They trusted Him and entrusted me to His care. I can remember them often telling me that "the best place for you to be is in the center of God's will for your life."

Looking back lately I have wondered what they were thinking at various points in my life when they just had to entrust me to God. (I would love to hear if you were ever privy to any of their thoughts when I was working towards any of my "risky" plans and ideas.) I am so grateful that they did not hold me back when I told them of what I felt God would have me to do. I am thankful that they never communicated to me the fear that I am sure they had in their hearts. I am thankful that they gave me their blessing even when they didn't understand what I was doing or why I was doing it.


I can think of one time that mom expressed her fear to me. It was when we were making plans to go to Bangladesh when Caleb was a newborn. She asked me a couple of times, "Sonja, are you sure you and Caleb couldn't come and stay with us while Glenn goes?" I think that she was more afraid for her grandbaby that couldn't get travel immunizations than for me. Ultimately she turned us over to God and entrusted us to Him which she proved by allowing us to buy plane tickets with their credit card because we didn't have enough financial support to buy them quite yet. Little did she know that she would be in the cardiac ICU fighting for her life when we went to Bangladesh and that leaving her would take more faith than I would have ever dreamed.

I know that my dad feared for us as well. When we were applying to medical he often expressed his concern as to how we were going to survive financially when Glenn couldn't work for 4 years. At that time I had the chance to remind him of of how God has provided for us in the past and remind him that God would provide for us in the future. Little did dad know much his end of life financial decisions would help us in that arena.

Thank You, God, for my parents' faith in You. Thank You that they allowed me to make mistakes and to take steps of faith when I am not sure I would have, looking at things through these parent eyes. Please help me to entrust these kids of mine to You and release them by faith like Moses' parents and mine for whatever You have in store for them. From all You've brought us through they already have such a great faith in You and what You can do. May I never be a stumbling block to them but always be an instrument that continually points them to You. 

"Don't Step on a Crack..."

When I was little I went to "Grandma Pre-School" (and before and after school care). I treasure those days and all that time with that precious lady! 

Grandma would often take us on nature walks around the neighborhood and I remember always being really careful as I walked on the often very cracked sidewalks because of that little rhyme, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." I knew that it wasn't true but, just for fun, I would giggle with my brother and cousin and always be very careful not to step on cracks because I valued the well-being of my mom.

Now, as we go on walks, I often think of that little rhyme and sometimes I take delight in stepping on cracks on purpose as I giggle with God because I know that stepping on a crack can't hurt my mom. She is in a glorified body no longer wracked by lupus and I am so thankful that, though I miss her, her pain on earth is over.

Thinking of that made me think of 2 Corinthians 5. I read it in a few different versions but I liked how The Message put it:

^1-5For instance, we know that when these bodies of ours are taken down like tents and folded away, they will be replaced by resurrection bodies in heaven—God-made, not handmade—and we'll never have to relocate our "tents" again. Sometimes we can hardly wait to move—and so we cry out in frustration. Compared to what's coming, living conditions around here seem like a stopover in an unfurnished shack, and we're tired of it! We've been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what's ahead. He puts a little of heaven in our hearts so that we'll never settle for less.
 ^6-8That's why we live with such good cheer. You won't see us drooping our heads or dragging our feet! Cramped conditions here don't get us down. They only remind us of the spacious living conditions ahead. It's what we trust in but don't yet see that keeps us going. Do you suppose a few ruts in the road or rocks in the path are going to stop us? When the time comes, we'll be plenty ready to exchange exile for homecoming.
 ^9-10But neither exile nor homecoming is the main thing. Cheerfully pleasing God is the main thing, and that's what we aim to do, regardless of our conditions. Sooner or later we'll all have to face God, regardless of our conditions. We will appear before Christ and take what's coming to us as a result of our actions, either good or bad.
 ^11-14That keeps us vigilant, you can be sure. It's no light thing to know that we'll all one day stand in that place of Judgment. That's why we work urgently with everyone we meet to get them ready to face God. God alone knows how well we do this, but I hope you realize how much and deeply we care. We're not saying this to make ourselves look good to you. We just thought it would make you feel good, proud even, that we're on your side and not just nice to your face as so many people are. If I acted crazy, I did it for God; if I acted overly serious, I did it for you. Christ's love has moved me to such extremes. His love has the first and last word in everything we do.

  Thanks God for giving my parents resurrection bodies. I long for mine but until I get it may I cheerfully please You here on earth with what You have entrusted to me and may Your love have the first and last word in everything I do.

Happy 9 Years in Heaven Mom

In just a couple of minutes I am going to go into my kitchen and make an Eclair Cake. I made my first one when my parents and Glenn's family came down for my college graduation and from that time on it was my mom's signature dish to bring to potlucks until that fateful day, May 23, 2001. I am making it today in honor of the 9th anniversary of her Home going. Later this afternoon I'll dig out pictures and tell the kids stories about the grandma that they never had the chance to know.

Mom, Caleb, & me from their last visit to TN for Easter in '01

This time of the year is always tough for me but I am also so thankful. This morning while I was exercising I listened to Carol Kent's radio talk from a few days ago on Trusting God When the Unthinkable Happens. At the end she said this: "God is showing me broken people minister to broken people so if you're broken, that's good." I have found this to be so true. I am NOT thankful that my mom is gone. I would LOVE to be able to have a conversation with her. (A couple of weeks ago, as I was thinking ahead to this date, I realized that I haven't had a conversation with my mom in the last 1/3 of my life, almost 11 years since she wasn't able to talk really after 5/23/01.) I am TOO OFTEN jealous of people who have parents, whose kids have grandparents. I often wonder what it would be like to have a mom as an adult and to be able to talk to her about everyday things and big things.

BUT.... I am SO thankful that God has allowed this BECAUSE I can understand the pain of others. I know the agony. I have experienced the uncontrolled sobbing that happens at such random times, the feelings of self-pity, the sorrow that comes from losing someone close. Many of my friends have lost parents since I have lost mine. I wouldn't have known how to pray for Phoebe, Olivia, Leah, Patricia, Courtney, Nikki, Amanda, and so many others if I had not experienced, in some measure, their pain myself. Just today, when I got up I saw on facebook that my friend Susan's dad, who had been ill for a while passed away. I've been there. I know the mixed feelings: SO thankful that he is no longer suffering, SO sad that you'll never have a conversation with him again in this life, SO thankful that this life is NOT the end, the homesickness for Heaven that comes from having a loved one there.

I am so thankful for the broken people that ministered to me, especially Jaye and Robin, 9 years ago. I am also so thankful for the opportunity to, as a broken person, be able to minister to other broken people. The trials in my life HAVE been for my good and HAVE enabled me to do things that I would never have been able to do otherwise and have given me such a greater picture of who God is. I'm reminded of a quote from Ruth Stull that was quoted by Elisabeth Elliot in my mom's Bible: "If my life is broken when given to Jesus, it is because pieces will feed a multitude, while a loaf will satisfy only a young lad."


So, today, I am having a party for my mom to celebrate the anniversary of the best day ever for her: the day she finally got to see her Savior face to face. I miss her so much. I long for the day when I too will see His beautiful face. Until that day may I be faithful with the blessing of brokenness that He has entrusted to me for His glory.

So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18 MSG)

6 Years in Glory

Today my Mom gets to celebrate 6 years in Glory! I know that time means nothing in Heaven but I am celebrating for her down here. I spent my quiet time this morning reading some of her favorite scriptures and singing some of her favorite songs and praying and thanking God for the legacy that He gave me in her.  I count it a privilege that one of the most vivid memories of my mom are of her sitting in the chair in the corner of her room every morning praying and reading her Bible. How I long to pass that legacy on to my children and my children's children. After I finished my quiet time I dug out our picture tote to look through some of them and found a few pictures to scan into our computer. Our scanner was causing me problems so I quit but I may scan a few more later - Glenn is usually the scanner person. I am making a album on Facebook of my pictures and here is a link to it.

It was fun to go through the pictures and review some fun memories. So many fun times at WOL, old family shots, etc. I love the ones of her holding Caleb. She loved being a grandma so much! It really wasn't in my plans to have a baby 11 months after we got married but how thankful I am that we did and that mom had a chance to be a grandma to Caleb. How thankful I am for pictures, even if they don't scan so well.

One hymn that meant a lot reading through it this morning was "O That Will Be Glory." It says "When all my labors and trials are o'er, And I am safe on that beautiful shore, Just to be near the dear Lord I adore Will through the ages be glory for me. O that will be glory for me, glory for me, glory for me, When by His grace I will look on His face, that will be glory, be glory for me." It made me smile. My Mom's life had a lot of trials. She had Lupus since 1975, I think. That is a long time to deal with such an awful disease but she handled it so well. I know that there was not a day that she was not in pain but you would never know it if you interacted with her. She almost always had a smile on her face and a song in her heart. Her trials are o'er and she is safe on that beautiful shore with our wonderful Lord that she so completely adored. I am sure that it is glory for her!

I loved sitting next to my mom in church because we would sing parts. She would sing alto and I would sing soprano and sometimes we would look at each other and smile, especially when we sang songs that we particularly liked or had fun singing. I can still hear her singing the harmony in my head as I sing some songs. One song that I loved to hear her sing was "My Hope is in the Lord." It was her class song at Houghton and she loved it. If you are familiar with the song the chorus has parts and she always sang both of them. I am going to put the words to that song at the end of my blog but before I do I just want to challenge you who are reading this to put your hope in the Lord. If you want to know more about what that means please ask me. I know that my mom would tell you with me that it is so worth it. 

My Hope is in the Lord

by Norman J Clayton

My hope is in the Lord

Who gave Himself for me

And paid the price

Of all my sin at Calvary

For me He died;

For me He lives,

And everlasting life

And light He freely gives.

No merit of my own

His anger to suppress

My only hope is found 

In Jesus' righteousness.

And now for me He stands

Before the Father's throne

He shows His wounded hands

And names me as His own.

His grace has planned it all

Tis mine but to believe

And recognize His work of love

And Christ receive. 

I love you Mom and miss you and look forward to that day that is coming soon when the roll is called up yonder and I'll be there too. 

Anniversary... Packing... Tears

There were tears this morning as I wrote the date. Today would have been my parents 32nd wedding anniversary. I know that there is no marriage in heaven so I doubt it would be recognized by anyone but us down here. At least my dad doesn't have to go through another June 25th here without her. Yesterday my mom would have been 57. I miss them so much but I am so thankful that they don't have to deal with the physical problems that they were both having down here. It does make me homesick for heaven even more so though. One thing that makes June 24th bearable for me is that it is also Glenn's mom's birthday so at least I get to wish someone "Happy birthday." (she's not nearly as old as my mom would have been though :) - I love you mom - thanks for being such a great one - it was good talking to you yesterday morning - I wish you weren't so far away!)

Yesterday I finally really started packing. There were some tears b/c I am not sure when I will see this stuff again. (God is also showing me that I am too attached to my stuff!) I went through my kitchen and only packed things that I definitely want to keep and I am certain that I won't be taking with me to Dominica. It only amounted to 3 boxes so far. It was hard b/c there were small spots that usually when packing I throw dry goods into but I am not storing dry goods for 3 months - 4 years... Oh, the unknown. God is working in my heart. He is making me more OK with the idea of moving to Dominica everyday. He has shown me that I can trust Him... He will work out the details in His time and provide everything that I need when I need it. Today a friend is coming over to help me attack the kids room and Glenn is going to take the kids somewhere. Hopefully there will be good reports at the end of the day.

I have been crying a lot lately... sometimes for real reasons and sometimes I just don't know why. I have been reading through the Psalms and boy have they been a comfort. It has made me realize that: (1) it is OK to be in despair and (2) that my God is faithful and He will help me through and (3) that God is so worthy to be praised - He has done so many great things for me.