Memories of His faithfulness

Facebook memories are so good for my soul. They are stones of remembrance that I can look back on in faith knowing that, just as my dear faithful Father took care of me all of those times He is still with us and He knows the next part of the story that we can't see yet.

This morning my memories took me back to that season of uncertainty at the beginning of medical school when fears were high because we didn't have a place to live as of the 1st of the month. Looking back I can see His faithfulness in allowing us to not have our own place for 2.5 months as we watched Him provide in amazing ways and through amazing people.

They also took me back to a year later when we discovered we had bedbugs and endured a hard, isolating summer getting rid of them. I’m so thankful that it was Glenn’s “last summer vacation” so he had time to work on getting rid of them and he had a summer job so we could pay for all the expensive chemicals and mattress covers.

Often they tell of the Facebook beginning of friendships I’ve made on this journey. Today's also reminded me to choose joy even in difficult circumstances which was from the beginning of residency while living in the heat of Texas with one weak window a/c unit. (I've heard we get 3 where we’re moving!).

This month my scripture writing plan has been about God being our refuge and has been so good for my soul. This morning I got to write out part of Psalms 46, one of my favorites:

“Dieu est pour nous un refuge et un appui, un secours toujours présent dans la détresse. C’est pourquoi nous sommes sans crainte quand la terre est bouleversée, quand les montagnes sont ébranlées au cœur des mers et que les flots de la mer mugissent, écument, se soulèvent jusqu’à faire trembler les montagnes. – Pause. Les bras d’un fleuve réjouissent la ville de Dieu, le sanctuaire des demeures du Très-Haut. Dieu est au milieu d’elle: elle n’est pas ébranlée; Dieu la secourt dès le point du jour. Des nations s’agitent, des royaumes sont ébranlés: il fait entendre sa voix, et la terre tombe en défaillance. L’Eternel, le maître de l’univers, est avec nous, le Dieu de Jacob est une forteresse pour nous. – Pause.
«Arrêtez, et sachez que je suis Dieu! Je domine sur les nations, je domine sur la terre.» L’Eternel, le maître de l’univers, est avec nous, le Dieu de Jacob est pour nous une forteresse. – Pause.”
‭‭Psaumes‬ ‭46:2-8, 11-12‬ 

“God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; Though its waters roar and foam, Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. Selah. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, The holy dwelling places of the Most High. God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns. The nations made an uproar, the kingdoms tottered; He raised His voice, the earth melted. The LORD of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our stronghold. Selah. "Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." The LORD of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our stronghold. Selah.” Psalms‬ ‭46:1-7, 10-11‬ 

Then the Psalm for the day on PrayerMate was Psalm 139, such a good one! I'm so thankful for these little hugs that have helped to relieve the anxiety that I've been battling. I'm so thankful that He goes before us, He is with us, He is our refuge, He knows our needs, He knows the struggles that will come and how He will work out all the details, and He will be exalted. Praise Him.

Home

Home. It's such a funny term.

The Saturday before last we were scrambling around trying to get some important paperwork together for our next step and, just before taking everything to the post office, we realized we were missing some important pieces of paper. Those papers are not here. They are "back there" in our lockbox in the home of some friends. We had the key though… that's the important part, right? In place of mailing our important paperwork we mailed the key to our friends so they can retrieve the paperwork and mail it to us.

All of the scrambling around left me feeling very unsettled and longing for “home.”

“If only I could go home and get all this paperwork straightened out.”

“If only I could go home and sort through our lockbox and see what else we left behind that we might need.”

“If only all of our stuff was in one place not spread from here to kingdom come.”

“Everything here is overwhelming. I just want to go home.”

“I just want to go home.”

“I just want to go home.”

But… going home isn't an option. We have a commitment to finish our time here and then a commitment to spend two years in the next place before we go back to the place we moved here from. I've loved my time here and I'm looking forward to seeing what the two years after this hold.

Even when we return back there in a couple of years (which we will “get to” do to raise support) I have no idea where we’ll land since there is no such thing as home. There are cities and towns we have lived in, friends and family whom we love, a few boxes in my brother’s basement and the home of a friend but no physical place to call home. Going “home” often implies going to see parents… except when you don't have any… which makes me end up longing for heaven, my true home, which isn't really a bad thing.

To be honest, I started feeling pretty sorry for myself. Lego Batman’s words ran through my mind: “Darkness. No parents.” It probably didn't help that, besides the upcoming transitions, we’re in this part of the calendar near significant dates from my past related to my parents.

I chatted with Glenn and he reminded me that we have an apartment that we live in. Yes, it doesn’t have all of our stuff but we got rid of almost everything we didn't bring with us besides memories. This is our home now. That is ok.

The next morning, when I sat down for my quiet time, I saw that the next thing on my reading/responding plan was “L.” L stands for listening and it has become my favorite part as my loving Father gently reminds me of scriptures and encourages me.

That morning He said:

“I am your home. When you are seeking and striving after some kind of security, come to Me. Your security can't be in a place where all your stuff or all your important people are. Your stuff, your important people are and will be more and more in the years to come spread from here to the ends of the earth. You can't pull everything close to you and hold them tight and think you can keep everything and everyone safe but you can trust Me! I am your home. I am your safety. I am your security. I will be with you when you have no one when you have nothing I will be there and I will be enough. You can trust Me. I will never leave you or forsake you. Keep seeking Me. Keep sneaking away with Me. Keep following Me and obeying Me. Keep trusting Me and I will prove Myself faithful, trustworthy, good, just. I am a jealous G*d. I don't want to fight this longing for home you struggle with. What you are truly longing for is Me. Keep seeking Me, my beloved child. I will be found by you. I will speak for you when you have no words. Let Me be your mouth. I love you, Sonja. I am with you. I will strengthen you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. You can put all of your eggs in My basket and trust Me to make and do with them what I want.”

Immediately afterwards one of my favorite songs,“Mon Secours est en Toi,” started playing in my head:

“Si la lune me glace, (if the moon makes me cold)

Le soleil menace, (the sun threatens)

Crèateur des étoiles, (Creator of the stars)

Mon Secours est en Toi. (my help/ relief/ rescue is in You)

Si mes larmes ruissellent, (If my tears fall)

Et que mon pas chancelle, (and If my steps falter)

Créateur de la terre, (Creator of the earth)

Mon secours est en toi, (my help is in You)

“Je lève les yeux, (I lift my eyes)

Vers les hauts sommets, (towards the high summits)

Toi seul est mon Dieu, (You alone are my God)

Je proclamerai: (I will proclaim)

Toi seul est ma force, (You alone are my strength)

Toi seul me restaure (You alone restore me)
Mon secours est en toi (my help is in You)

Toujours tu me portes (You always carry me)
Jamais tu ne dors (You never sleep)
Mon secours est en toi (my help is in You)

"Si la peur m’envahit (If the fear overwhelms me)

Et mon âme chavire, (and my soul capsizes)
Createur de la vie (Creator of life)
Mon secours est en toi (my help is in You)

"Ta victoire , mon espoir (Your victory, my hope)
Ton chemin, mon destin (Your path, my destiny)
Ton salut, mon refuge (Your salvation, my refuge)
Tout est en toi” (everything is in You)

He was right. In longing for “home” I wasn't really longing for a physical place. I was longing for a feeling of safety and security and of being in control. He is enough even when I don't feel safe or secure. He is way better at being in control than I am.

Turns out… the kids need their passports for their test on Tuesday so I'm glad we hadn't mailed them off yet.

He knows best.

He is enough.

I can trust Him even when I don't understand. 

Lord, through all the generation you have been our home!

Psalm 90:1 NLT