Five Minute Friday: Welcome

I have a hard time sometimes saying, "Welcome" because I am often thinking too much about me and worrying about what others will think of me. My house is too cluttered, my food may not taste right, my family is kind of crazy... so often when we "welcome" people to our home I hide in the kitchen working on things that I haven't gotten done yet to "prepare" for our guests. I'm not really welcoming. I'm hiding. I'm not focusing on and making it all about my guests like I think that I probably should.

We've sung a song recently in church (these FMF's always make me think of songs) by Matt Redman "Here for You."

It talks about welcoming God into our presence with praise and the fact that the reason that we are here is for Him. The part that sticks out to me every time is:

To You our hearts are open
Nothing here is hidden
You are our one desire
You alone are holy
Only You are worthy
God, let Your fire fall down

God is my ultimate guest but too often when I come into His presence I am thinking about me too. Just like with house guests distractions abound: my to-do list, my wants, so many other things when I should be focusing on my Guest. I can't close the cupboard doors to hide the mess with Him. He knows it all and He wants to be with me in spite of it. How grateful I am.

Oh Lord, please help me to open both the door to my heart and the door to my home. I've neglected that word lately... so here it is. I welcome You to open me.

Linking up with the Lisa-Jo for Five Minute Friday. Join me? If you write for 5 minutes on Welcome please put a link in my comments!

 

God's Prescription for Your Depression

I hate that I struggle with depression. I've been sinking lately. I'm not sure for how long but yesterday was pretty bad.

I didn't really come to a full realization of how far I'd sunk until this morning when Glenn told me that he missed me and that he wondered: if I even loved him anymore, if I was mad at him, and what he had done wrong. His questions made me so sad and I started crying as I told him that it wasn't about him and that I had no idea what was causing me to feel so low. As he held me he told me that he could think of several reasons why I might be sinking and I agreed that there are quite a few but I don't know which one was the trigger this time. I rarely do.

I've struggled with depression on and off for a lot of my life so I was grateful that we had to be back in Rochester for a Sunday back in 9/09 when we were homeless because a message was preached just for me (I'm sure others benefited from it as well) called "God's Prescription for Your Depression." If you ever struggle with depression you really should click and listen to that sermon. David Whiting, Northridge Church's pastor, was in a series on Life Lessons from Dead Kings and Israel's Famous Prophets that summer and this particular sermon was on Elijah from 1 Kings 19.

I have my notes from that Sunday written out in a condensed form on a 3x5 card that I pull out on mornings like this one so I can re-read over them and be reminded of what I need to do. I want to post them here because they have been a help to me and maybe they will be a help to others as well.  

"God's Prescription for Your Depression"
from D. Whiting, Northridge Church, 9/6/09
1 Kings 19

Common Steps/ Warning Signs:
1. Wear yourself out v1-5
2. Shut people out v3-4
3. Engage in self-pity v4
4. Believe lies v10

God's Prescription:
1. Eat & rest v5-9 "planned neglect"
2. Replace your lies with God's truth - depression grossly exaggerates the truth
3. Be still and know that He is God v10-13
4. Do what is right no matter how you feel v15-18
"To struggle with depression is not a sin - how you handle your despair and discouragement could be."

*Do all you can to get your mind off yourself

2 Final Challenges:
1. fight your depression everyday. God may never give you total and complete victory over it - make it your goal to please God through your depression.
2. Don't just fight depression - fight victimization and self absorption. Don't let depression be an excuse to sin!

Someday I would like to print this up on cute little prescription paper to give to people (wouldn't that be fun coming from a doctor's wife?) because it has been such a help to me but I haven't gotten there yet so I am posting it here.

The warning signs are there, especially #2 (sorry Glenn & kiddos!). I know what I need to do.

Lord, thank You for this reminder. Please help me to focus on You and Your truth, to do what is right no matter what I feel, and please You through my depression.

My Struggle with Mother's Day

I'm somewhat embarrassed to post this but this is my year to be open and maybe part of this will strike a cord with someone. Posted here is a raw prayer that I prayed this morning as I struggled to come to terms with this holiday and a brief update on it's answer.

Another Mother's Day is here, Lord, and I always struggle with this day. If I'm honest, it's probably one of my least favorite days of the year. On this day I am reminded once again that my mom is with You, not here on earth. Oh, how I miss her and I'm so jealous of people who have a mom to talk to, to give a wise understanding ear, to love their kids. Then I feel guilty for being jealous because isn't coveting a sin? Wanting something that someone else has? #10 on the list, isn't it? I'm sorry, Lord, I am called to be content and to trust You that You are in control and know what is best. You are good and do what is good, even when I think it looks bad. Most of the time I am content. Most of the time I do trust You. I have seen some of the things You have done as a result of my motherlessness. I have been able to care for and pray for others who suffer only because I have felt pain. I had a pretty cushy life growing up and I never really realize what I have until it's gone. I don't know if I really ever thanked her. I was still, in so many ways, a kid when mom died. Yes, I was legally an adult, married, and mom to a ten month old the last time we had a conversation but I didn't really know what being an adult daughter was like. When I hear of others talking to or doing stuff with their moms it's hard and I have to fight the urge to wallow in self-pity for my motherless state. I'm thankful for that blog post from Lisa-Jo that I read the other day.


Then there's the flip side of the coin. Now I'm a mom. I never really planned on being a mom. Growing up I always assumed that when I grew up I would be single and teaching either missionary kids or local kids overseas somewhere. The idea that I would be living in the US homeschooling my own four was never even on my radar. Lord, You know how often I've wondered in the past how much easier life would be if my role was different but it wouldn't be easy, just different. I've talked to single friends and I've heard the pain and loneliness they bear in walking this life alone in a world so full of couples. I've heard the pain my childless friends bear as they long so much to be mothers. This role of "child of God, wife of a medical student and homeschooling mom to four kids" is the one that You have chosen for me, Lord, please help me to be faithful in it and content with it even when the days are crazy and an hour all by myself sounds like heaven on earth.


I remember growing up mother's day for me was a day to get up early, make mom breakfast in bed with flowers we'd picked from the flowerbed outside, and celebrate her. Now I'm the one being celebrated and I'm not comfortable with this part of Mother's Day either, Lord. I struggle because I battle between how unworthy of being acknowledged I feel and the desire to be acknowledged. I see my failures. I know the hundreds of times I mess up as a mom every moment of every day. I know how far I am from that perfect, ideal mom that I read about in books and blog posts. On the other hand, I do like to be acknowledged. I do do a lot around here but these Hallmark holidays that put the focus on one day a year frustrate me. I don't really want forced acknowledgement. Thinking about that though, do You feel it's "forced acknowledgement" when I go to church on Sundays? I go and worship, not just because it is a set time to acknowledge You but it's something that I've chosen to do because I love You. Maybe it's the same with these Hallmark holidays.


So today is another day, Lord, when I get to make choices. Please help me to make choices that glorify You. Please help me to be grateful for the years that You gave me with my mom and the example that she gave me. Please help me to be grateful for and content in the roles You've placed me in. I truly do have a very blessed, fun life that, though not what I planned for myself, I couldn't image any other way. Please help me not to allow all the stuff rolling around in my mind to draw away from or hinder the fun my family has planned today to celebrate me. Please help me to allow them to celebrate me, no matter how undeserving I feel. Thank You for blessing me with Glenn, Caleb, Hannah, Lydia, & Abigail.

Well, today turned out to be a good day. When Glenn asked me this morning what my ideal for Mother's Day was I told him that I just wanted to stay in bed all day with a blanket over my head. He asked me if that was what I really wanted to do. I told him I didn't know. Instead of letting me wallow under the covers he took me to church then brought me home, threw together lunch and then took me to Whetstone Gulf State Park for a long hike with my family. It was truly what I needed more than hours alone under the covers. I am so thankful for Glenn and that he took the initiative and didn't let me stay in the darkness that I thought I wanted to stay in. I'm thankful for the chance to talk on the phone or skype with my grandma and Glenn's mom, grandma and sister for Mother's Day. I'm also thankful for the yummy ice cream sundaes over freshly baked chocolate chip cookie bars that my crew concocted to conclude this day. I am one blessed woman. Thank You Lord!

Sinking

NOTE: Writing helps me process what I am going through. I really didn't want to post this blog here but after talking to God about it He reminded me that the word He chose for me for this year is "Open" and because of that I need to so here is some yuckiness that I typed up last night before falling asleep. I plan to blog more about going through this process.

Sinking. Every year at this time of the year I feel like I'm sinking.The days technically get longer but they are so dark for me, even if the sun is shining. The darkness often overwhelms me and I sink.

But I can't sink. I shouldn't sink. I have so many responsibilities.

The sinking has started for this year. It's helpful that I've recognized it early. Recognizing that I have a problem will, Lord willing, help me through it. There have been years where I haven't recognized it for some time and we've lost weeks of what should have been productive school and family time to me with my head stuck (literally or figuratively) under my pillow.

Today I felt the pull trying to make me sink. Finally, with God's help, at 9am I was able to open my door and give my kids a time frame for school to start and set a timer to make it happen (timers are my friends). We were able to have a productive school day (so thankful for our school routine which has been so helpful in rescuing many a crazy day this year!).

Late this afternoon I started sinking again. It was time to start dinner and I didn't have the energy to make tortillas for our normal Tuesday Tacos. I talked with Glenn and he suggested possibly going out to eat. We both know that's not in our budget and that there's a lot of food around here that needs eaten before our move so we really shouldn't. We came to the conclusion that we should have stirfry since we had all of the ingredients readily available and he had Caleb come in and help me so I wouldn't have to make supper on my own. Even with the decision made (which is often the hard part for me) I still had a hard time not crawling under the covers instead of making dinner but I'm glad that, with God's help and Caleb's, I did make dinner.

Lord, please help me. When I am sinking pull me up. Help me to glorify You and praise You in this season of darkness and not wallow in my pit.

I emailed this to my blog and in formatting before posting this morning I noticed my favorite quote in my signature just before I erased it. Reading it again I think I'll leave it because it is a good reminder to me!

In time of trouble, say, "First, he brought me here. It is by his will
I am in this strait place; in that I will rest." Next, "He will keep
me here in his love, and give me grace in this trial to behave as his
child." Then say, "He will make the trial a blessing, teaching me
lessons he intends me to learn, and working in me the grace he means
to bestow." And last, say, "In his good time he can bring me out
again. How and when, he knows." Therefore, say, "I am here (1) by
God's appointment, (2) in his keeping, (3) under his training, (4) for
his time." ~Andrew Murray.

Five Minute Friday (belated): Open

I'm a little late on Five Minute Friday. It is Sunday after all but here it is... 5 Minutes on Open.

START

When I saw the work "Open" as the theme for Five Minute Friday I groaned. I didn't like the look of that word and didn't know where to go with it so I decided not to write about "open."

In walks the Holy Spirit.... Why does He always have to walk in? Anyway, there is an idea that has been going around for a number of years of picking a word to try to live out for the year. Last year the word that I picked was "present." I started well (I always start well....) but lost steam somewhere along the way.

This weekend God has been working on my heart that my word for this year should be "open." Ouch. I don't want to be open. What does open look like?

Here are some of the things that I feel God is calling me to open:
1. my eyes
2. my ears
3. my heart
4. my life
5. my home
6. my bank account
7. my Bible

I'm sure that there are other things throughout this year that God is going to call me to open. I am not sure if I am ready for them yet. I don't know that I'm ready for these 7 yet either but thanks Gypsy Mama for being used of God to being this word to my heart and mind.

Welcome to the year of open. God please open me for your glory this year.

STOP