Saturday, August 07, 2010
I am not sure that I fit in
Today and tomorrow Glenn is involved in a conference of some sort for family physicians. I am not exactly sure what it is but he and another student are on some board for it. He was in meetings most of the day for it and then tonight there was a catered party that our whole family was invited to. We went but I struggled going. I don't feel like I am up to the level of hanging out with doctors and their spouses. I am not sure why. I have friends who are doctors and who are married to doctors but when it comes to being around doctors that I don't know I feel like I am not going to be good enough. I don't know why. Maybe because we have been students and low income workers for most of our marriage and have been far below the poverty line for so long that I feel I will never attain a higher standard. Maybe my mind hasn't wrapped around the fact that Glenn is finally in medical school and one day he will be a doctor. Maybe it is just because this world is not my home and I am not going to fit in here. Glenn told me that others will accept me but that I need to accept myself. It may be because I don't accept myself and project my unrealistic expectations of myself onto others. I don't know what it is but I pray that God will help me take my eyes off myself and to look to others to see how I can meet their needs and point them to Him. I didn't do that very well tonight but I pray that next time, Lord willing, I will use such an opportunity as a chance to shine for Him and not worry about what others think of me or worry about fitting in.
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Oh, Sonja, You will Shine! I just finished reading Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman and she was kind in her words saying to the reader what she was simultaneously saying to herself. One thing came to my mind that she said this "If we keep our heads down, either out of defeat loss or shame or tiredness...whatever the reason we are going to miss the beautiful sun (and Son that is right there in front of us, shining its warmth on our faces and our souls!" Look up my friend, God is going to use you and your husband. You have a grateful humble heart and it will bless Glenn and through him--it will bless his patients and colleagues. You are good enough to be there amidst all the doctor's wives who are doctors and if they happen to ever think you don't (I grew up in So Cal around plenty of superficial thinking like that)-- well they're wrong. =)
ReplyDeleteIt is true that the best thing to do is to be yourself. Focus on your breathing...it sounds simple but it really works. Be in the moment and don't think or focus on anything else but the moment and your breathing. I promise you, you will (are) wonderful exactly as you are.
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