I'm somewhat embarrassed to post this but this is my year to be open and maybe part of this will strike a cord with someone. Posted here is a raw prayer that I prayed this morning as I struggled to come to terms with this holiday and a brief update on it's answer.
Another Mother's Day is here, Lord, and I always struggle with this day. If I'm honest, it's probably one of my least favorite days of the year. On this day I am reminded once again that my mom is with You, not here on earth. Oh, how I miss her and I'm so jealous of people who have a mom to talk to, to give a wise understanding ear, to love their kids. Then I feel guilty for being jealous because isn't coveting a sin? Wanting something that someone else has? #10 on the list, isn't it? I'm sorry, Lord, I am called to be content and to trust You that You are in control and know what is best. You are good and do what is good, even when I think it looks bad. Most of the time I am content. Most of the time I do trust You. I have seen some of the things You have done as a result of my motherlessness. I have been able to care for and pray for others who suffer only because I have felt pain. I had a pretty cushy life growing up and I never really realize what I have until it's gone. I don't know if I really ever thanked her. I was still, in so many ways, a kid when mom died. Yes, I was legally an adult, married, and mom to a ten month old the last time we had a conversation but I didn't really know what being an adult daughter was like. When I hear of others talking to or doing stuff with their moms it's hard and I have to fight the urge to wallow in self-pity for my motherless state. I'm thankful for that blog post from Lisa-Jo that I read the other day.
Then there's the flip side of the coin. Now I'm a mom. I never really planned on being a mom. Growing up I always assumed that when I grew up I would be single and teaching either missionary kids or local kids overseas somewhere. The idea that I would be living in the US homeschooling my own four was never even on my radar. Lord, You know how often I've wondered in the past how much easier life would be if my role was different but it wouldn't be easy, just different. I've talked to single friends and I've heard the pain and loneliness they bear in walking this life alone in a world so full of couples. I've heard the pain my childless friends bear as they long so much to be mothers. This role of "child of God, wife of a medical student and homeschooling mom to four kids" is the one that You have chosen for me, Lord, please help me to be faithful in it and content with it even when the days are crazy and an hour all by myself sounds like heaven on earth.
I remember growing up mother's day for me was a day to get up early, make mom breakfast in bed with flowers we'd picked from the flowerbed outside, and celebrate her. Now I'm the one being celebrated and I'm not comfortable with this part of Mother's Day either, Lord. I struggle because I battle between how unworthy of being acknowledged I feel and the desire to be acknowledged. I see my failures. I know the hundreds of times I mess up as a mom every moment of every day. I know how far I am from that perfect, ideal mom that I read about in books and blog posts. On the other hand, I do like to be acknowledged. I do do a lot around here but these Hallmark holidays that put the focus on one day a year frustrate me. I don't really want forced acknowledgement. Thinking about that though, do You feel it's "forced acknowledgement" when I go to church on Sundays? I go and worship, not just because it is a set time to acknowledge You but it's something that I've chosen to do because I love You. Maybe it's the same with these Hallmark holidays.
So today is another day, Lord, when I get to make choices. Please help me to make choices that glorify You. Please help me to be grateful for the years that You gave me with my mom and the example that she gave me. Please help me to be grateful for and content in the roles You've placed me in. I truly do have a very blessed, fun life that, though not what I planned for myself, I couldn't image any other way. Please help me not to allow all the stuff rolling around in my mind to draw away from or hinder the fun my family has planned today to celebrate me. Please help me to allow them to celebrate me, no matter how undeserving I feel. Thank You for blessing me with Glenn, Caleb, Hannah, Lydia, & Abigail.
Well, today turned out to be a good day. When Glenn asked me this morning what my ideal for Mother's Day was I told him that I just wanted to stay in bed all day with a blanket over my head. He asked me if that was what I really wanted to do. I told him I didn't know. Instead of letting me wallow under the covers he took me to church then brought me home, threw together lunch and then took me to Whetstone Gulf State Park for a long hike with my family. It was truly what I needed more than hours alone under the covers. I am so thankful for Glenn and that he took the initiative and didn't let me stay in the darkness that I thought I wanted to stay in. I'm thankful for the chance to talk on the phone or skype with my grandma and Glenn's mom, grandma and sister for Mother's Day. I'm also thankful for the yummy ice cream sundaes over freshly baked chocolate chip cookie bars that my crew concocted to conclude this day. I am one blessed woman. Thank You Lord!