Mommy Guilt

Mommy guilt/ envy is one thing that I think all moms deal with. There are no perfect moms. There is always going to be someone who is more _________ than you are. Mommy guilt/envy comes in many forms and many faces.

Yesterday I had an attack of mommy guilt. In the mail we got the cutest invitation for a birthday party from some friends for their son. As soon as I saw it all kind of thoughts ran through my mind. After the initial, "That is one of the cutest invitations I've ever seen!" thought all kinds of self deprecating thoughts came after me, "I'm a horrible mom because... I never organize fun birthday parties for my kids, I never make fun invitations, I'm totally not organized enough to get invitations to people three weeks before an event, etc, etc, etc." This was all magnified because I really don't do birthdays well which always makes me feel guilty and because my baby turns 8 next week and she and her sisters were planning her birthday party and making invitations with crayons and pencils to hand out at church on Sunday afternoon so people could be informed a few days before her "party" (AKA hopefully have a couple friends over and probably paint nails and eat cake). "Oh, why am I not together enough to throw my own kid a birthday party so she has to plan it herself??"

Glenn had just gotten home and he saw the direction of my thoughts and my wonderful husband asked me a simple question, "Did you ever just have a two year old?"

That caused me to pause and reflect. I have just had a 2 year old. For one month. The party we threw when that little guy turned 2 was a big event- we stayed up late several nights before it making fish out of Starbursts and Laffy Taffy for his amazing aquarium cake and creating fun Veggie Tale themed carnival games to play. We had made cute invitations and I made homemade pizza for the 30+ people of all ages that came to help us celebrate that wonderful occasion. I did just have a 2 year old back then. His sister came a month later. I've not thrown a party like that since.

I'm thankful for my dear husband helping me with my perspective yesterday. I'm not a big party person. I feel mommy guilt/ envy often when I see pictures of the spectacular birthday extravaganzas from people who are that they have for their kids and think that I really should do all of that but I don't. I don't have big parties for my kids. They get homemade cinnamon rolls and a favorite meal for their birthday - usually Hawaiian Haystacks. They sometimes have a friend or two over if we've met people where we are living at the time or are not homeless. One child didn't have a cake until a couple of months after the birthday had passed because of the sickness and chaos in our lives that was going on at the time, another child got to celebrate while living in someone else's house two years in a row. As a general rule birthdays are simple events in our home but the kids still feel loved and special and they've never complained they don't get extravaganzas every year.

It is enough. I am enough. God didn't give my kids a great party planning mom but He knew what He was doing and for some reason in His infinite plan He gave them me. Imperfect, disorganized, not a party planner me.

I surrender my mommy guilt and envy to God once again. I can't live anyone else's life. I get to live mine. I am not anyone else. I am me. The me that God created perfectly for His plan and purpose and to glorify Him.

For we are God's [own] handiwork (His workmanship), recreated in Christ Jesus, [born anew] that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths which He prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live]. (Ephesians 2:10 AMP)

14 Years

14 years ago today I married my best friend on a steamy day in Upstate NY. We were young and in love with big dreams of serving our big God.

We've had many adventures over the years, 4 kids, 5 vehicles, 18 adddresses in 9 zip codes, 2 seasons when we had no place to call home. We've walked through the loss of 2 parents and 3 grandparents, times of great joy and times of deep depression, many jobs, many rejection letters, 4 years of undergrad at 2 different colleges with 2 years helping family in between, 4 years of waiting to get into medical school, 4 years of medical school, and most recently a 1600 mile move from all that was familiar in NY to all that is not in TX where we now have 1.5 months of residency under our belts.

It has been a crazy ride and I'm so thankful to have been buckled in beside Glenn for all of it with our gracious, merciful, generous God at the controls. God has been our constant, a firm foundation holding us steady amid all the chaos and many changes He has orchestrated. He has been our peace, our rock, our joy, our provider, our refuge, our strength, our Savior, and so much more. We wouldn't have made it here without Him.

Thank You, God, for helping us through these last 14 years. It is only by Your grace that we are here today.

Thank you, Glenn, for loving me, helping me, putting up with me and walking beside me through thick and thin. Looking forward to many more adventures and many more years together loving each other and serving Jesus together, Lord willing. I look forward to welcoming you home from night call soon and celebrating with you after you wake up.

Happy 14 years, Glenn. I love you!

A Scribbled Cry From the Past

Can I tell you how much I love it when I have dated a note I have written and find later in a book or my Bible??

Today I was reading My Utmost for His Highest quickly while on a potty break during school. Today's was good (they usually are, that is why I keep a copy in the bathroom so I can try to read it most days. TMI? Sorry.)

The thing that prompted this post was a note I had put on yesterday's page:

'03 - Oh God, how my faith needs to grow. You brought us here. You know our needs. Please help me to go through this trial of faith believing steadfastly on You - our Jehovah Jireh

"2003? What was going on in 2003?" you may ask. Let me tell you. You see, we had just moved to Houghton, NY for Glenn to finish up his undergrad degree. If you didn't know, Houghton is kind of in the middle of nowhere so there were basically no jobs to be had. He was taking a full load of science classes to get all his science requirements done in 2 years so he didn't really have time to work anyway. It's not the cheapest college tuition wise and we had no idea how we were going to be paying for things like rent and food. We went with 2 little kids and were expecting #3 (which we didn't tell anyone before we moved there - people already thought that we were crazy for going to school with 2 kids!!). God had made it clear that we were to go there. In our plans it didn't make sense because there was no way for us to provide for ourselves. We had no idea how things were going to work out and every time we asked He would say, "Trust Me." We would take a deep breath and surrender and say, "OK, Lord, I trust You" until two seconds later when we would start freaking out again wondering how He was going to do it. Again we would hear, "Trust Me."

Would He prove Himself trustworthy?? Would He really provide for us? All 5 of us? Would we go hungry? Where would money come from to pay rent? What kind of jobs could we get? How on earth is it all going to work out??

Shortly before moving I read a book, I think it was about George Mueller. I knew that I served the same God who took care of him but I really didn't know if I wanted to have as much faith as him.

On a Sunday morning soon after we moved we heard a sermon about trusting God for our daily bread. I really didn't want to hear it. I wanted a full pantry. I didn't want to wake up every morning asking God for my daily bread and trusting Him to provide it.

But, you know what? God did provide for us!! We never went hungry. God provided 4 different places for us to live over the 3 years we lived there and He always made sure that there was enough money in our bank account to cover all of the expenses. He even gave us some amazing extras during our years there that we totally didn't deserve. I think, for some reason, He just loves to bless us.

Here are some things I underlined in My Utmost all those years ago:

* Faith must be tested because it can be turned into a personal possession only through conflict.
* Believe steadfastly on Him and all you come up against will develop your faith.
* Faith is unutterable trust in God, trust which never dreams that He will not stand by us.

I'm thankful for a glimpse at my  heart's cry from 9 years ago. It is amazing to me to look back and think of all that God has done over the years since that day 9 years ago when I'm sure I cried as I wrote out that prayer. My faith in my Jehovah Jireh sure has grown. My faith has become my own through the conflicts that He has allowed. He did know and meet every one of our needs in that place that He took us to and every place that He has taken us to since. Each successive trial that He has allowed in our lives has only made me love and trust Him more. I don't need to worry about the future because He is growing in me an "unutterable trust in God, trust that never dreams that He will not stand by us."

I am so thankful for the trials that He has allowed into our lives. I am thankful also that He will always be there with us through all of the trials that are in our future. You can trust Him. Even when trusting Him doesn't make any sense at all.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.1 Peter 1:3-9 NIV

The Best Part of Waking Up

I was never a morning person. I like staying up late. I like sleeping in. I do NOT like to get out of bed. Especially in the winter.

I am a mom of 4 kids. I homeschool. I discovered a number of years ago that if I do not get up before my kids I get zero time to myself. I like time to myself. I also discovered that if I didn't get up before the kids I got zero time in God's Word. Time in God's Word and in prayer is so vital to me being able to live in the Spirit and not in the flesh. I need that time to feed on God's Word to help me throughout the day.

Through the baby years I discovered that as soon as the kids fell asleep I would be good for nothing. I may stay up longer but I would get nothing productive done. I knew that I needed to make a change and, though I was not naturally a morning person, I knew I had to make the sacrifice of sleep and get up before the kids for my own sanity.

It has not always been an easy choice and I have not always been successful. Winter is the hardest time. It is so dark and it is so cold outside of under the covers BUT the sacrifice has been so worth it. I am a better wife, a better mom, and I have the chance to live more purposefully.

Last spring I joined the Hello Mornings Challenge and it was so great to interact on a daily basis with other women who were on the same journey as me, with similar goals - get up, spend time with God, plan your day purposefully, and exercise. The accountability it gave me was a great boost, especially in those dark days of the early part of the year when I wanted nothing more than to stay under the covers.

There is still time to sign up for the Hello Mornings Challenge for this fall than runs from August 20 - November 16. My group is full but there is still space in other groups and I challenge you to sign up and get some accountability to help you get up, spend time in God's Word, exercise and plan your day. I am linking up today at Inspired to Action. If you need more convincing that you should get up early or ideas on how to do it or what to do hop on over here and read about some other ladies' journeys  in maximizing their mornings.

I've come to realize that the best part of waking up isn't Folgers in my cup (though, I must say, I do like coffee. I just don't drink Folgers) it is how much better my whole day goes as a result. I am not waking up scurrying around and miserable, snapping at everyone, because I have overslept. Instead, because I get up, I have time to prepare my mind, my heart, and my body for the day.

Try it. It won't be easy but it will be worth it.

Hard Lessons

It's been a rough day at Maas Academy. One of my students in particular is having a difficult day and has been screaming at me, taking it out on siblings, and hurting that student's own body. My main thought this morning was, "I hope I don't die soon because Glenn will need to re-marry and I would hate to have any other woman ever treated the way that I have been treated today."

I have been praying a lot and trying to respond with grace and love and not react sinfully as I am sinned against but it has not been easy.

Which brings me to the other thought that I have been pondering today: "How do I make God feel? How often do I treat Him like I've been treated today? How does He respond?"

I fail, I am disappointed, I get frustrated, I want to give up often and, often, I get angry. I flail. I guess, to my sorrow, my beloved student in question has learned from my example.

Lord, do You often wonder about me, Your student:
- Why won't Sonja listen to me?
- I love her so much and just want to help her.
- I am trying to help her, why won't she accept My help?
- How can I passify her anger?
- How can I help her in a way that will be received?
- Why isn't she more teachable?
- Haven't we gone over this many, many times before?
- Will I ever get through to her?
- When will she ever learn from her mistakes?
- Should I just give up on her?
Dear Teacher, I am sorry for not always being a receptive student in the lessons that You have for me. Thank You, Lord, that You don't give up on me. Thank You for Your mercy and Your grace. Please give me wisdom. Help me to keep my eyes on You and learn from You and Your example how to teach these students that You have entrusted to me. I love You and I long to represent You well in our home.

Is Your Refrigerator Running?

 Do you remember that old prank phone call from when we were kids? The caller would ask, "Is your refrigerator running?" You would reply, "yes" and then the caller would promptly reply, "Then you'd better run and catch it."

Well, yesterday, the answer for me would have been "no." When we first moved into this apartment I threw a few condiments and other random food that we hadn't eaten before leaving Syracuse into the fridge and a gentleman who was helping us move in told me that I should probably check to make sure that the fridge was working. I opened the door and saw that the light was on. It wasn't super cold in there but I figured that it had just been plugged in or something and wasn't concerned. I was more concerned with getting everything moved into our new home. The next morning we opened the fridge and it still wasn't cold - uh oh. Turning it up didn't help and we realized that we hadn't heard it run since moving in. We pulled it out, made sure it was plugged in, plugged it into a different outlet, etc and it still didn't turn on. Finally, Glenn turned it all the way down then turned it up and we heard the compressor kick in - yay!

Well, last night, we ate late and then the kids asked for ice cream before bed. Normally I would have said, "no" because that is just about always my first response. Instead I said, "sure." They pulled the ice cream out and it was completely melted - oh no! Glenn asked if I had noticed and said, "Maybe that is why the milk tasted a little funny tonight." We stuck a thermometer in the fridge and it said 60 degrees. Not good. (And our power didn't even go out yesterday like some people's did here in NY since we didn't have the heavy snow to take out power lines.) On playing with the dial we were able to coax the compressor to start working again sluggishly but I'm not sure if I can trust it.

Glenn recommended that I call Lynn to see if she had space in her fridge for some of our stuff since she had reprimanded me for not using her washer last week. She said that she did so we emptied our fridge and freezer. We plugged in the chest freezer in the basement and threw the freezer stuff that hadn't thawed yet in there, started cooking up some of the raw meat that had thawed, ran some of our fridge stuff over to Dan and Lynn's house, came home, bagged up the cooked meat and threw it in the chest freezer, and went to bed much later than I had planned.

On reflecting last night I was reminded of the biography of Joy Ridderhof that we read earlier this year. She said, "Are you rejoicing? Remember, the hard things make good rejoicing practice." This is definitely not one of the harder things that we've ever gone through but it is still an opportunity to practice so here is a short list of things that I came up with to be thankful for:
* I said "yes" to ice cream which helped us find out that we had a problem (not sure when I would have found out other wise as I don't really pay that much attention, just assume that things are cold.)
* Dan and Lynn made space in their fridge for some of our fridge stuff
* We have the chest freezer that Grandma & Grandpa Reynolds bought us back when they visited us we lived in Houghton (which we are still SO thankful for!) and it cools VERY quickly (it was 20 degrees in there before finally I went to bed last night)
* We didn't make the trip up to Aldi that I had considered doing yesterday since Glenn had left the van at home. I am, unfortunately, a hoarder in all areas, including food, so we could have had a lot more stuff that I would have been looking for places for!
* The fridge seems to be working again since what was left of our milk that Glenn had put in the fridge top freezer was frozen this morning. We'll have to keep an eye and an ear out for it though.
* I took an opportunity to ask for help (I hate asking for help. Asking for help implies that I need help which implies that I am not perfect... Stinking pride.)

I think we'll still need to contact the landlord. Not sure if the fridge is her responsibility, since it came with the place, or ours. Buying a fridge is not high on my list of things to do since all the rentals we've ever lived in have come with one (besides our very first apartment) but I'm trusting God either way.

So... is your refrigerator running? You better go check ;)

Hugs from God

It's not Monday and I haven't kept up with my 1000 gifts list but...
Here are some gifts (I like to call them hugs) from God from today:
* kids in love with eclair cake that I made in honor of my mom (I haven't made one in years!!)
* leftover fried potatoes in the fridge discovered just moments after I said that I really wished that I had made some potatoes for supper but they would take too long. (they weren't very old, just forgotten from a couple days ago. There was enough for all of us to have some and and I had made them with extra onions so they were extra yummy!!)
* fun playing Monopoly with the kids. Today I decided that, when possible, 3:30-4:30 should be family game time since the kids aren't doing anything productive during that hour anyway because they're glued to the radio for the kids programs on WMHR
* my blog has been so healing and helpful to me and I am humbled to find that it has been a blessing and helpful to others as well.
* I got an email from the library in Lowville and they have a weekly art classes for kids introducing artists and trying out their techniques. I am so excited about this because it is art is an area our homeschool is weak in!
* the blessing of many encouraging comments about my blog about my mom that friends emailed me or commented on facebook. I especially appreciated Stacie sharing how my mom introduced her to cauliflower possibly inspiring her culinary adventures (that made me laugh!) and how Jamie has had the opportunity to use her brokenness since the death of her dad to bless others. To God be the glory!

* Sweet pictures drawn by my kids for me today. Lydia was struck this year by the fact that her grandma died a year before she was born. She drew this picture of my parents meeting in heaven. It made me smile because my mom was the shorty in the family but in Lydia's picture she is quite tall :)

Thanks God for all the hugs You gave me today and that You give me everyday if I just look. You are so gracious to me and bless me far more than I deserve! I am so grateful to be Your child!

Dad got it right

When I was growing up I would often get frustrated with my dad. When we would go to church or be out somewhere and people would ask my dad how he was doing his response was usually, "Almost excellent" with a big grin on his face. In my head I would get so mad at him thinking, "That is not true. You are not doing well. Why are you lying to these people??" My dad was a non-compliant diabetic that was always suffering with some kind of physical ailment (like crazy blood sugars, huge ulcers on his feet, amputated toes, etc) and I felt that by saying "almost excellent" he was trying to deceive people.

Today I read an email that made me realize that he just had a different perspective of reality than I did. The email talked about 3 actions to help you change your attitude:
1. Shift your focus
2. Change your posture
3. Watch your language

Dad's focus wasn't on the fact that he was sick or hurting. He was surrounded by people which is where he loved to be and his focus was on the moment, not on his struggles. He had a huge smile on his face and he was using words that made his reality true. He's been gone for nearly 4 years but I am so thankful for the lesson that he taught me by example today.

During DEAR time today I re-read another chapter from Calm My Anxious Heart. (note: I just noticed when I put that link in that it is only $5 right now at CBD. If you don't own it BUY IT!) I'm reading it on my kindle app this time (it was free a while back) though the actual book version is one of the few books that didn't get packed when we packed all of our books because it is one that I have always had out and near since I first read it with my beloved Tuesday morning Bible Study back in 2007 at the Waterloo Rec. It is a book that I return to time and time again because I constantly need the reminders that are underlined all over it. I am reading it again because I need it again. I need to be reminded that God is "the Blessed Controller of all things" and to keep my focus on Him. Today as I re-read chapter 2 I was reminded once again that "Our thought life - not our circumstances - determines whether we are content." Seems like a theme that God is trying to teach me today.

And "How does God enable us to be content? He infuses contentment into us through His Word. [another theme He seems to be impressing on me.] As it seeps into our minds, it transforms us. Just as a cup of tea gets stronger when we give it time to steep, so we become more content when we spend time in God's Word and allow it to seep into our lives, transforming us to be like Him."

This week I have been reading Psalm 27 in my Psalm study. David has such confidence in God. He doesn't need to fear because God is his light, his salvation, his defense. He chooses to seek and praise God though his enemies abound. He chooses to wait on God. I love verses 13-14 "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord."  After reading them I wrote out a prayer: "Lord, this reminds me of One Thousand Gifts. It is so easy for me to give over to despair when my eyes are on my circumstances but You long for me to open my eyes to the blessings that You give that surround me day after day after day. Moment by moment blessings. Give thanks. You have made so evident Your goodness in 'the land of the living.' How much more will You in the real life hereafter. As I long for that day may I be constantly aware of Your blessings today!" Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord.

Lord, thank You for the lessons that you are teaching me. I am sorry that I am so forgetful and must be taught again and again and again. Thank You for Your patience with me. Thank You for the example that You gave me in my parents. They both had so many struggles, physical and otherwise, but they rarely let them affect their attitude. Please help me to spend time steeping in Your Word so that I can shift my focus, change my posture and use language that will bring glory to You.

God is my Helper

Yesterday I was really low. I blogged about it, talked to Glenn about it, prayed about it then slept trusting that God is going to do something.

This morning I woke up with hope in my heart and I praise God. I have the privilege of being a part of the Winter Session of the Hello Mornings Challenge. It is an online accountability group to help with the habits of getting up, spending time in God's Word, planning and exercising. I signed up to be an AC (I can't remember what that stands for) because they needed more of them and I thought that having a leadership role may help me be more accountable. Knowing that I need to check in every day I think is going to be a huge help to me as I process through my sinking season.

This morning when the alarm went off at 5:40 I grabbed my iphone and posted "Good morning! It's Wednesday! Check in to let us know how your morning is going. Praying for all of you!" Then switched over to youversion to do my Bible reading. In my through the Bible I was in Hebrews 4 and I was very encouraged by these verses which I've always loved: "For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Hebrews 4:15, 16 NASB) What a great reminder! I am so thankful for my great High Priest!

After running Glenn to the schospital I sat down at my desk to do the Bible study that was suggested with the Hello Mornings challenge. It is a Psalm study called Run to Him. This week we are going through Psalm 4. It was a huge blessing this morning. I don't know that I've ever done a study where you read the same Psalm everyday for a week, each day looking for different things each day. I highly recommend it. Today I was looking for truths and some truths I found include:
* He has relieved me in my distress
* He sets the godly man apart for himself
* He hears when I call
* He has put gladness in my heart
* He alone makes me to dwell in safety
What a blessing! God truly did put gladness in my heart today and I am thankful!

Sinking

NOTE: Writing helps me process what I am going through. I really didn't want to post this blog here but after talking to God about it He reminded me that the word He chose for me for this year is "Open" and because of that I need to so here is some yuckiness that I typed up last night before falling asleep. I plan to blog more about going through this process.

Sinking. Every year at this time of the year I feel like I'm sinking.The days technically get longer but they are so dark for me, even if the sun is shining. The darkness often overwhelms me and I sink.

But I can't sink. I shouldn't sink. I have so many responsibilities.

The sinking has started for this year. It's helpful that I've recognized it early. Recognizing that I have a problem will, Lord willing, help me through it. There have been years where I haven't recognized it for some time and we've lost weeks of what should have been productive school and family time to me with my head stuck (literally or figuratively) under my pillow.

Today I felt the pull trying to make me sink. Finally, with God's help, at 9am I was able to open my door and give my kids a time frame for school to start and set a timer to make it happen (timers are my friends). We were able to have a productive school day (so thankful for our school routine which has been so helpful in rescuing many a crazy day this year!).

Late this afternoon I started sinking again. It was time to start dinner and I didn't have the energy to make tortillas for our normal Tuesday Tacos. I talked with Glenn and he suggested possibly going out to eat. We both know that's not in our budget and that there's a lot of food around here that needs eaten before our move so we really shouldn't. We came to the conclusion that we should have stirfry since we had all of the ingredients readily available and he had Caleb come in and help me so I wouldn't have to make supper on my own. Even with the decision made (which is often the hard part for me) I still had a hard time not crawling under the covers instead of making dinner but I'm glad that, with God's help and Caleb's, I did make dinner.

Lord, please help me. When I am sinking pull me up. Help me to glorify You and praise You in this season of darkness and not wallow in my pit.

I emailed this to my blog and in formatting before posting this morning I noticed my favorite quote in my signature just before I erased it. Reading it again I think I'll leave it because it is a good reminder to me!

In time of trouble, say, "First, he brought me here. It is by his will
I am in this strait place; in that I will rest." Next, "He will keep
me here in his love, and give me grace in this trial to behave as his
child." Then say, "He will make the trial a blessing, teaching me
lessons he intends me to learn, and working in me the grace he means
to bestow." And last, say, "In his good time he can bring me out
again. How and when, he knows." Therefore, say, "I am here (1) by
God's appointment, (2) in his keeping, (3) under his training, (4) for
his time." ~Andrew Murray.