Happy Mom Day

This was written in 2022 but still rings true and as I re-read it today I wanted it somewhere other than just on Facebook.

I had a good cry this morning when I wrote the date and then I ended up long journaling and chatting with my Father for a while. My first thought when I wrote the date was: ambiguous loss. Ambiguous loss is a loss that is now and not yet. Ambiguous loss sucks.

June 24, the date these two beautiful ladies made their appearances (5 years apart), has been "Mom Day" for us for all of our lives technically. Now this date carries sadness with the joy (if you've seen Inside Out or if you've been alive very long you likely know this is almost always true).

I was 22 when my mom (left) went into the hospital for a surgery that didn't end well leaving her in the health care system for the rest of her life. In so many ways I lost her that day though she didn't actually die until I was 24. That was my first real taste of ambiguous loss.

The dear lady on the right became my "mom-in-love" when I was 21, nearly 23 years ago. We have been losing her gradually for the last 7 or so years due to early onset dementia. It's hard.

I can distinctly remember the last actual conversation I had with my mom. In fact, I was on my MIL's bedroom phone while we were visiting them for Glenn's brother's graduation, a couple days before her surgery. I have no idea when I had my last actual conversation with my mom-in-love. It hurts. Sometimes appropriate words come out of her mouth. One night when they were visiting over Christmas I cried when I went to bed because when I gave her a hug and said, "good night, mom, I love you," she replied with "I love you too." She even kind of sang me happy birthday on Sunday even though she got lost after the first couple of lines. I miss her. She's still alive but, oh, how I miss her. Ambiguous loss is complicated.

I'm so proud of my dads who are such examples to me of selfless love. My dad visited my mom every day for those 20+ months, spending time reading to her and talking to her even though it was only ever a one sided conversation and he was battling his own health struggles. And my dad-in-love? Wow. He has been so amazing as he has tenderly cared for his wife, being her caregiver as he has gradually lost more and more of her.

Thinking about ambiguous loss this morning prompted me to go and find a podcast to learn more about it and I found a conversation with the lady who coined the term on On Being. I appreciated her stories of working with all kinds of people and how she's learned that suffering is part of life and grief isn't something you get over but something you learn to live with. It was interesting to hear that the "stages of grief" were actually created for the dying person, not the person who lost someone or something and, at the end of her life as their creator was dying, she decided they weren't actually true. Grief isn't linear. It's messy.

I've found that to be true. Grief is messy but the suffering I have experienced has made me who I am today. I can now better understand and walk alongside others who suffer and comfort them and point them to Jesus because the Spirit has comforted me. 

We've all experienced a lot of loss of all kinds. If you are struggling with a loss, ambiguous or otherwise, and want a listening ear send me a message and we'll put a time on the calendar to chat.

Happy birthday, Moms. I'm so glad you have been a part of my life.

https://onbeing.org/programs/pauline-boss-navigating-loss-without-closure/#transcript