A Scribbled Cry From the Past

Can I tell you how much I love it when I have dated a note I have written and find later in a book or my Bible??

Today I was reading My Utmost for His Highest quickly while on a potty break during school. Today's was good (they usually are, that is why I keep a copy in the bathroom so I can try to read it most days. TMI? Sorry.)

The thing that prompted this post was a note I had put on yesterday's page:

'03 - Oh God, how my faith needs to grow. You brought us here. You know our needs. Please help me to go through this trial of faith believing steadfastly on You - our Jehovah Jireh

"2003? What was going on in 2003?" you may ask. Let me tell you. You see, we had just moved to Houghton, NY for Glenn to finish up his undergrad degree. If you didn't know, Houghton is kind of in the middle of nowhere so there were basically no jobs to be had. He was taking a full load of science classes to get all his science requirements done in 2 years so he didn't really have time to work anyway. It's not the cheapest college tuition wise and we had no idea how we were going to be paying for things like rent and food. We went with 2 little kids and were expecting #3 (which we didn't tell anyone before we moved there - people already thought that we were crazy for going to school with 2 kids!!). God had made it clear that we were to go there. In our plans it didn't make sense because there was no way for us to provide for ourselves. We had no idea how things were going to work out and every time we asked He would say, "Trust Me." We would take a deep breath and surrender and say, "OK, Lord, I trust You" until two seconds later when we would start freaking out again wondering how He was going to do it. Again we would hear, "Trust Me."

Would He prove Himself trustworthy?? Would He really provide for us? All 5 of us? Would we go hungry? Where would money come from to pay rent? What kind of jobs could we get? How on earth is it all going to work out??

Shortly before moving I read a book, I think it was about George Mueller. I knew that I served the same God who took care of him but I really didn't know if I wanted to have as much faith as him.

On a Sunday morning soon after we moved we heard a sermon about trusting God for our daily bread. I really didn't want to hear it. I wanted a full pantry. I didn't want to wake up every morning asking God for my daily bread and trusting Him to provide it.

But, you know what? God did provide for us!! We never went hungry. God provided 4 different places for us to live over the 3 years we lived there and He always made sure that there was enough money in our bank account to cover all of the expenses. He even gave us some amazing extras during our years there that we totally didn't deserve. I think, for some reason, He just loves to bless us.

Here are some things I underlined in My Utmost all those years ago:

* Faith must be tested because it can be turned into a personal possession only through conflict.
* Believe steadfastly on Him and all you come up against will develop your faith.
* Faith is unutterable trust in God, trust which never dreams that He will not stand by us.

I'm thankful for a glimpse at my  heart's cry from 9 years ago. It is amazing to me to look back and think of all that God has done over the years since that day 9 years ago when I'm sure I cried as I wrote out that prayer. My faith in my Jehovah Jireh sure has grown. My faith has become my own through the conflicts that He has allowed. He did know and meet every one of our needs in that place that He took us to and every place that He has taken us to since. Each successive trial that He has allowed in our lives has only made me love and trust Him more. I don't need to worry about the future because He is growing in me an "unutterable trust in God, trust that never dreams that He will not stand by us."

I am so thankful for the trials that He has allowed into our lives. I am thankful also that He will always be there with us through all of the trials that are in our future. You can trust Him. Even when trusting Him doesn't make any sense at all.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.1 Peter 1:3-9 NIV